I am hopeless.
I am impossible.
I am bored.
I’ve been analyzing my life lately (sue me, I’m idle) and realized that I am not completely happy with my career.
Not completely happy means I am somewhat satisfied.
And “that’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness is not good enough for me. I demand EUPHORIA!”
Thanks, Calvin. My sentiments exactly.
Sinetch itey na super anghang na shuminta na nag-coverlu ng kanyang Bourne Identity para mag-experiment ng kamunduhan sa mga shongelyang damsel in distress kuno?
My girlfriend calls me from abroad.
“So, girl – it’s all planned: My boyfriend picks you up; then you both pick me up at the airport, ok?”
“Ok.” I said.
And there he was – MR.
I knew straight away.
My gay-dar went on super-bitchin’ alert mode the moment I laid eyes on his… tank top.
C’mon, I’m not one of the founding members of HDV for nothing! (uhm, HaDaVarkada)
I could smell his gay-ness.
Then he spoke… and it was confirmed.
The girlie-pitch, nasal tone… the hand gestures, the ‘you-know winks’…
And don’t let me start on the pout and the eyebrows!
I was like – OMG, what is goin’ on?
My mind was racing.
Does my girlfriend know?
Should I tell her?
Should I tell the gang?
Wait a sec – Is he wearing mascara?!
Before I knew it, we were at the airport.
My girlfriend was sooo happy to see him.
And I was like: Oh no. Don’t turn lesbian. Not like this.
Then during the course of my girlfriend’s one-month vacation, MR was introduced to all of our friends – apparently, they used to be colleagues. And MR used to hang out her place a lot.
He taught her how to do the catwalk.
You don’t say?
Surprisingly, the gang didn’t find anything ‘unusual’ about MR.
You guys, can’t you see???
Hello, the pinky is up, you guys! The pinky is up!
As the days passed, I was convinced that I was a bad friend for harboring such thoughts. And I couldn’t tell anybody. The frustration was eating me.
Until…
“Joke joke joke ba ito girl? You mean, ang lola mo witchels sa pagka-knows na tinkerbell ang jowawiz nya?!” said M1.
“Ay, smellanie marquez! Malansa! Berde, berde, berde… berde ang beret nya!” said M2, eyeing MR’s green beret suspiciously.
Ah, M1 and M2 (I cannot disclose their names. Both are happily married now with kids) – the perfect example of drag queens trapped inside petite women with huge boobies – a.k.a my allies.
So, it wasn’t just me, after all!
And although I was rejoicing that my sanity was intact, my girlfriend was still in La-La-Land with her ‘boyfriend’ who was… well, semi-boy.
And I didn’t have a problem with that!
Really.
Let’s see here: his hair is dyed auburn, he wears mascara, he wears my friend’s blouses, he wears glitter-powder all over his face and body…
Why should I have a freakin’ problem with that?
One of my closest, oldest girlfriends makes out with Boy George… again: why should I have a freakin’ problem with that?
Do the math: this happened when McFlurry was all the rage in
Then in 2006, when I arrived in
Apparently, MR couldn’t handle long-distance relationships.
Yeah, right.
And just recently, by some miracle or another, my girlfriend confessed.
“MR and I had chat… he told me he’s dating someone. So I asked: Is it a she or a he?”
Then we both laughed!
OMG! I was so relieved that I could actually tell her everything then.
I reminded her of the tank top, the plucked eyebrows, the forever-shiny arms, the awful torn pants MR wore at this Jay-r concert, the lip gloss… and we had a blast!
MR now tells my friend he’s getting married and his present GF is the only girl his Mom ever liked.
And we bawled!
I rolled on the carpet. My friend banged her head on the wall.
And like any snooping girls, we checked MR’s Friendster account.
Oh, the pictures!
One word: scripted!
Then we checked The Girl’s – there were no ‘revealing’ photos.
But her shout-out was something like:
“No, you bitch, I am not lesbian!”
That did it. I thought I died laughing.
My girlfriend is semi-friends MR’s supposed present GF. But they were never chummy.
So imagine the surprise when one fine day The Girl sends an email.
“Did MR tell you I’m his girlfriend and that we’re getting married? Please do not believe this. There is no truth to this and I’ve told him to stop telling people. It is bothering me a lot.”
Gasp.
I know.
How pathetic.
Still, my girlfriend and I thought… Trulili or Chenelyn?
To this, my friend said: “Hay naku, si Mama Ricky talaga, antarush ng tele-novela script! Check, check, check! Hindi pa kase lumabas sa closet eh! Ugmas na ‘yan… Out na, Lola: Go, Go, Go!”
Apluk.
